Remembering childlessness

DH and I spent the afternoon and evening at the home of friends of ours who are newlyweds, and it got me thinking about how we spent our time when we were newlyweds and childless. It is hard to recall exactly how I used to fill the hours, but I recall two things: (1) a lack of direction with occasional pangs of loneliness and (2) the ability to do whatever I wanted w/o encumbrances. I never took advantage of (2), and (1) really sucked.

Now that we have kids, I sometimes yearn for the times when we could sleep in late and then goof off all day, running errands or not as we so wished. These days we need a schedule to keep our household operational, and errands must be run because while DH and I might not have minded living off the last, unrelated food products in the cabinets when we were too lazy to go grocery shopping on a particular day, it turns out that kids need to eat real food every day. Being lazy and being a parent are practically mutually exclusive ways of existing.

Do I regret having my days dictated for me, though?

Not as much as my griping might lead you to believe.

I think the exhaustion and somewhat limited ability to do various things are but small, barely significant side effects to endure in exchange for helping two incredible little boys have a great childhood and learn all about the world. When Padraic helps hand Henry his lost pacifier, or when Henry giggles at Padraic's antics, I find it hard to believe that there was a time in my life that didn't include both of these enchanting little guys. And I take heart knowing that even long after DH and I are gone, they will have each other.

So I'll still pull my hair out from time to time. Perhaps even daily for years at a stretch. But behind all the angst and turmoil that might be visible on the surface is my realization that in having these children, I found the purpose I'd been lacking and the direction I'm meant to move in.